Weapons of Math Instruction

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a
calculator.

Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the
notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons
of math instruction. Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They
desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off
on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite
shadowy figures, with names like “x” and “y,” and, although they are
frequently referred to as “unknowns,” we know they really belong to a
common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country.

As the great Greek philanderer isosceles used to say, there are 3
sides to every angle, and if God had wanted us to have better weapons
of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
Therefore, I’m extremely grateful that our government has given us a
sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are
so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These
statistics-biased love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence.
Under the circumferences, it’s time we differentiated their root, made
our point, and drew the line. These weapons of math instruction have
the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never
before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to
factor-in random facts of vertex.

As our Great Leader would say, “Read my ellipse”. Here is one
principle he is uncertainty of — though they continue to multiply,
their days are real-numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks.